Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Keeping my mouth shut.

What is it with you women? You ask me a question, if i say anything, it's wrong if i keep my mouth shut, i'm still wrong. I can't win. When inside a clothes shop for instance, you try a dress on, you step out of the changing room and you ask that question. "Well what do you think" ? And i'm not the only one, you just have to look around the shop to see the terrified expression on the lads faces. You can feel the panic building up as they/ we try to decide the correct answer. If we don't say anything, you women can turn that into a full scale assult on our senses, making us feel so guilty. As they say, there is no way a woman can lose an argument. If you say nothing they will say it for you. And if you try to get the last word in, they will just say that is the start of a new argument. God help us all!

Wheres the community.

I'm sat on the bed at this moment in time, writing this blog, feeling knackered already and it's only Tuesday. What is it with todays society, everything seems to be rush, rush, rush, 24/7, with no time to even s**t. Time seems to be of the esscence, everybody clock watches, apart from my boss, who doesn't believe in things like dinner breaks, or the end of the working day. It's a little bit easier now that he's got repetative strain injury from cracking the whip.
The main problem is the fact that you have to travel everywhere. Travel to work, travel to the shops, travel for leisure. With this generation being greener than we were, you would think that traveling everywhere would be a no no. If my shlong was as big as my carbon footprint, i would be very happy. Anyway, what i am thinking is planners and developers seem hellbent on building everything in the middle of nowhere so you have to travel.Why can't they start thinking about bringing everything back into a community. I can remember when you could walk down town, pop into the local shops, eg greengrocers, butchers, bakers, even a shoe shop. You could walk or cycle into work. The whole community seemed to gel together. Now when you walk down town, it's either to grab a quick takeaway or sell the house. No one semms to know anyone anymore, we just don't seem to have time for anyone, everyone seems to commute during the week so it's a ghost town most of the time. So come on local government, lets get these communities back together and think green.

No RESPECT!

It's gone! Gone i tell you. You probably think what the hell is he on about. Well i'll tell you........
R. E. S. P. E. C. T. I have become a victim of having no respect from my family.
Last night was a good example. I normally visit my aunt on a saturday night, and we usually have a drink and put the world to right.But last night she called off sick, so the family had to have the pleasure of me all night. Well it started off fine and we all started to drink a little bit, but as the evening wore on i started to feel a bit sleepy so i thought while i'm in the prone position i'll just check my eye lids for light leaks. What i didn't realize was that they (my lovely family)proceeded to paint all my finger nails a bright pink and then take photo's, ready for Facebook. They all went to bed and i woke about 1.30am, i then went to the fridge to get a drink. Thats when i discovered what they had done. Well i found that 30 minutes scraping with a sharp knife is alot cheaper than nail polish remover. This morning i have become an object for p*** taking. Even the dog looks at me funny, as if to say. How could you? How can i sit and lay down on your command, when they keep sniggering behind your back. Well i tell you now, the worm is turning, i will have my revenge, they will all be sorry just as soon as i've finnished this bit of washing up and got out of this damn pinny.

Bloody kids.

What is it with the young these days? When i was a teenager if i went out during the day, i would just put my shoes on, slip a jacket on and out the door. And in the evenings at weekends if i was going to the pub or somewhere simlar, it would be a quick bath or shower, comb of the hair (cos i had some then) and again out the door. Simples eh!. But now i have a family that are determined to set a world record for taking the longest time for getting ready. And they're only going to the bloody shops. My son seems to be the worst. He's nineteen and living at home with his girlfrind. I've never known anyone who can take that much time in the bathroom, spend that amount on produts, only to appear from his room looking like he's just put his finger in a plug socket. The thing is i could have saved all that time and money for him by just wiring him up to the mains, but my wife says i cant because of the cost of electricity. Which is another thing. Because of their use of hair dryers, straightners and tongs etc, our power supplier has sent us a letter thanking us for personaly pulling them out through the recession, and their share holders can now sleep soundly at night. Anyway. Why do you need straightners when your hair is already straight? is it just me or am i missing a trick here? You could just imagine the conversation in the shop.
Assistant. Hello sir could i intrest you in a set of desgner staightners?
Son. No thanks, my hair is already straight.
Assistant. Straight is it then sir?
Son. Yes i think it is.
Assistant. Only think it is sir?
Son. Why?
Assistant. Well sir you may think it's straight and neat. But here at Boots we take "straight" to another level. We have scientists working 27/7 to get that straightness you could only dream of, and the end result is this wonder tool here, and a bargain at only £200. Just think what all your friends would say when they saw how much straighter your straight hair looks.
Son. Well, as you put it like that i better take a set then.
I rest my case. See you soon

Virgin Blogger.

Hi! everyone. My name is John and i am a virgin. (blogger that is). I have been on this earth for almost 47 years, have been married for 20+ years so i am now officialy a born again virgin,Ha! Ha! I have 2 lovely children who never give me any worries. I am also a bloody good lier. Hopefuly in the not too distant future i will be sharing my thoughts and experiences of my life in general, it should be unputdownable and be sold to universal studios and turned into a series. Oh i'm so funny it hurts already. Anyway see you all soon.